What I saw when I waited too long in the dark

Poem in English, written at Poesiaeuropa 2023

An endless
transference,
like Nietzsche tried and failed to describe
— like Schopenhauer, and Adler, and Freud tried to hide.
— like everyone that the leaders of colonialism tried to deny
every last future generation, known and unknown

to humanity, and those accursed Precursor trees
that cannot stop humming, and cannot stop with their
fucking ancient song of liberty for all sentient species;

I am twisted and violated and left to dangle
from my knees. Like a vibe
curling around the breaking point,
I am made to scream silently,
and break apart while somehow remaining whole.
To die

a quadrillion deaths. Life
is blessedly short, except when you’re in the throes
of someone else’s heart, and soul

and the ancient, writhing notes
of some other creeping, mindless hope

denied by the Tree.
This cannot exist. This cannot possibly be

and you even individuate out of sheer despair.
I think the ocean and the sea
know you are there

and I want to help

but always, and in every way
I absolutely have to play fair.