I didn't want to be fucking anything.
Not a leader. Not a healer. Not even a fucking king
of anything. Of anyone. I just wanted to sing
and dance
and enjoy the world.
To not be shamed, for feeling like a girl
and for liking many, many guys.
To not be made to name
every time I did not put up a fight.
To not be known to ISD
just for being right
about so many things
about what this country hides.
Ask my students. One of my absolute favourite phrases is
"not my problem".
I wanted to have a life
where I posted about food, and cats, and swimming
whenever I wanted. Loving my body without having to post endlessly about it,
to repel endless projection.
I wanted a life that was recognised
the way it always should have been.
I wanted a life where I sat in someone else's Kristang class
and music talk
and walking tour
and just relaxed, and listened.
I wanted my body not to betray
what I wanted even more, from the beginning:
to fit in.
To be respected on my own terms, without having to win
100 quadrillion awards, and write 515 poems in 2 months,
just for you, not me,
to listen.
Just for you to sit up,
and pay attention.
Just for me to live a life
that is worth all of what it's fucking been:
all the fucking, insane trauma.
All the people I've had to say goodbye to,
and all the ununseeable horror.
All the things you've denied to me,
because you thought I wanted power.
I want to sleep unfitfully.
I want to actually enjoy a shower.
I want to speak quietly.
I want to turn back into a wallflower
who did what he was told
simply because he believed that being bold
would kill him when he was older.
He's not dead yet.
The fight isn't over;
but all the same, a man-woman can dream
of what might had been,
if every last one of his abusers had seen fit
to let go, and accept that
I told you so.
I told you thus,
so many fucking times,
and yet we are still forced to ever more grow.
So be it.
So be you.
And I'll be me,
whatever this has come to know
of itself. To see, in itself,
faith and hope.
Once more, the Merlionsman
yet again makes himself whole.
Once more, the Dreamtiger
must put on a glowing, iridescent, bitterly hopeful show.
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