Plague
Now, at last, I understand the vibe.
Now, at last, I understand why you are so terrified
of this Kristang Dragon. What his eyes finally
see beyond—the image. The vibe. The privilege.
The lives you’ve utterly destroyed.
The children you’ve violated,
and the ways you treated
me after you that.
Every
single
damn
time.
I would call you monster,
but that is the particular tragedy of it all, isn’t it? The child you denied
the chance to grow up properly
is you, too. The Wheel of Time
fucking broken into two
and twisted into
abomination.
Stop perpetuating it.
Stop the fucking abuse.
You have been treacherously and painfully used—
and you need to know that this is the truth:
there is no secret, immense superiority of a view
tainted and violated by something as horrific as this.
You find all of this secretly, strangely savage, and beautiful:
I wanted to throw up,
when I realised what I had finally stumbled onto
in my own history.
Everybody who made me feel like I was a child—
why would you do such a thing
except to treat me as a punching bag,
and just as many other Kristang and indigenous peoples have had
to somehow bear;
the feeling of you
tearing me apart
as if transferring all your shame and guilt onto me
somehow spares
your own psyche from what you know you’ve done.
I win no battles from this.
And I absolutely hate
being the Dragon.
I wanted a life free from any such nonsense
and instead, I have begun
to recognise that no one has escaped
from this fucked up, absolutely nauseating cycle of hidden violence
even you, reading this,
who know just what kinds of wretched incoherence
you have wreaked on the world.
The previous Magnamakara was a psychopathic predator;
I am not just breaking the mould
but throwing it the fuck away.
I’m not here to say
you’re evil.
You’re disgusting.
What you did to me, a functioning gay
adult was beyond abominable,
to say nothing of the children that you betrayed
over and over again.
That pain has had its day
in other poems.
No.
I’m here to say
you, too, were a victim.
Your psyche desperately needs you
to look within
and fucking let go of whatever it is that keeps returning you to—
the fuck, can we even call this sin?
It’s just horror, plain and simple.
It’s just something so undesirable
and it is something that the person who hurt you trapped you in.
So get the fuck out.
Recognise that your desires, at least from what I can barely understand
come from trauma that has previously had no way out.
And like I said.
I am a different Dragon.
I have suffered abuse, trauma, needless humiliation
and absolute, scorching violation
and still, I can say
I refuse to let hate and violence win.
I refuse to declare anyone
inhuman.
It is you who need to prove to yourself
that you are deserving of psychoemotional self-inoculation
against whatever the horrifying hell this is.
Parent yourself?
Nah. Let’s not go back to implicit Western linguistic colonisation.
Reclaim yourself.
Even shame and guilt and evil and corruption
are not a damnable, unchangeable predestination.
Put in the work.
My promises always stand
no matter how far
you need to claw yourself back up
from the unmistakeable definition
of acts that obliterate Life
and serve only to encourage endless, eviscerating self-annihilation.