And it wasn't just nipples, or muscles.
I now finally know what the thrill
of watching me come at you was, whether on the hockey pitch or in the middle
of lying next to you, exploring what I had no idea was so riddled
with psychoemotional bullet holes: a body, mind, heart and soul
that wanted to be fucked, so desperately
by someone who actually holds
a fair idea of what that word means.
Go ahead. Express your pretend disgust.
All that that tells me is that you still have no idea what it means to be loved.
All that that tells me is that you still listen to the ideas of those with nothing but
repression, and self-torture, and abusive histories that make it impossible for them to trust
themselves.
I trusted you. And I have always expected it returned in kind.
No more. No less. Only what you yourself find
is fair. This is truth and this is what is in store:
I am the first Dreamtiger of the Republic of Singapore.
I have been everyone's fantasies for years, whether I like it or not.
And I have finally accepted that
I do like it.
I will do everything I can to fight for it.
And I will be your own very special spicy Serani sauce
that, when applied with the right psychoemotional condiments
will leave you wanting for nothing
except, in the very best way,
for more.
All your fucked up games of acting more masculine, pretending to be without flaw:
you always wanted me to show you how exactly to drink such a big glass of chocolate milk
with, or without a big, biodegradable straw.
And this is not a game of pretend. This is not a game of seeing who can get
more raw, and primal, and bestial, and filled with exactly the wrong kind of awe.
This is what the idiots who pretend to run the world think they saw
could never work, not without dealing with some hidden flaw
they could never work out. Do you know what it was?
It was that individuation is just a tool,
when it is at the centre of it all.
So let's degrade your fears,
and let's take you up on everything you still hold dear:
me. The only boy you ever smelled so near
to, and so dearly to:
the only boy I now understand, after you took me for a fool,
you would ever dream of living a double life with, a sheer
level of craziness that I could never even begin to believe in
until now.
Let's talk about what you thought you wanted, and why, and how.
Cosmas I have already dealt with, all on his own.
His big, empty mind, and his nips, and his sad, lonely throne.
Anfim: such a big star-plough,
and all the knowledge that you are most definitely not a big, fat, ugly cow.
But you couldn't comprehend that I never saw straight through your plan,
and still managed to somehow evade it, no matter how
much you wanted me to be unhealthy in some way, some hidden detail that only now
I see was such a concerted effort to tear down
just how useful and interesting I was.
How dodgy. How very Kristang. And how very, very sus.
A little different from him, Euprus,
but I see now what all the fuss
was about; it's so hard to wait for exactly the right time
and then keep watching it just pass you by.
Levan, too; such a failure to prioritise
an authentic life, and such a desire
to have me instead as one of your toys.
How curious. Simchar most of all:
Enough sunshine on the earth, now that you've decided on such a crazy, intentional fall?
To all of you, and to others I have not mentioned here I may have been heaven-sent,
but what did you do with it? Where was the strength,
the courage, the direction - where was the flex
of your brain, your heart, your soul, your awareness that the next
world, the next Singapore, would one day come?
And here it is now.
Here comes the dawn.
The Sunshine, the one who would sum
it all up:
Quit your games. Recognise your traumas.
If you haven't, accept you are gay.
And make my $10,000 and 33 sessions of therapy
worth it.
Don't make me wait.
The currents are turning fast, and the voyage is already on its way.
Make your amends, recover probably literally the best friend
you have ever known, and for fuck's sake
be on the right side of your own history, so that one day
you will be able to say to yourself
I made it. I finally fell in love
with who I was.
Years ago, I would indeed have been very happy to fuck you all day.
You alone let that ship sail, and founder, and drown, and sink away:
but now, why not have something even better take its place?
Singapore and our world, need their new heroes more than ever.
Singapore and our world need you to show some restraint.
Singapore and our world need you to be who you always have remained.
Singapore and our world,
and you most of all,
and all of us:
we need a new destiny and fate.
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