I reacted wrongly when I agreed to give up my possible MAs in Archeoastronomy and Southeast Asian Studies
Poem in English
I guess you wanted me to rage quit,
to show what you thought were my real emotions. My real needs
as a homosexual half-breed filthy man-child, incapable of representing my community.
But...why would I do that?
And anyway,
even if my default reaction had been anger
how does that change anything
about what you had always intended?
Seems like
you made some offers
in the full stalky and abusive knowledge
that some things like this would later have to happen;
seems like you planned for some dreamtigers and otters
to get caught in a beautiful trap. To fuck around, hard, with this Merlionsman
without anything remotely resembling my consent.
That's nice,
because now we've ended up in a future
that I guess none of us could have imagined.
Is that my problem?
Yes.
I still live here.
Oh, and oh no! According to someone else, I am ENFJ, or something.
I am woefully underprepared
to deal with rational emotions.
Look.
Sometimes people fuck with you.
Sometimes your close friends abuse the shit out of you,
and sometimes you have no freaking idea or notion
just how many times you will have to say no
to principals and vice-principals and ministries and ministers who want very much to misunderstand
just how far you will go to stay true
to who you are.
Sometimes everything explodes.
Sometimes everything ends.
Sometimes friends and lovers don't come back.
Sometimes you lose out
on luck. Sometimes the war is won by fear.
Sometimes it really is a massive and overwhelming epidemic of sexual abuse.
Sometimes the trauma does indeed linger for 77,033 years.
So yeah.
Nothing unexpected.
I've had planets end. Stars go out. Multiverses collapse. My body, mind, heart and soul violated
again
and again
and again.
Still I rise:
I don't understand how you don't get this.
It's not about being a leader, or a hero, or a Merlionsman, or a champion:
it's not about how you fly.
Not even about how you die.
Just about what you do
when everyone and everything
so utterly and horrifically disappoints you
that even three MAs
would have been a very poor defense.