I do not need to overjustify anything

Poem in English, written at Poesiaeuropa 2023

I do not need to explain
why I am in pain,
and you are not.
I do need to refrain
from destroying your image,
because you already took an axe
to my heart, and trust, and love

for myself.
Never mind for you.
Loving you was hell.

Because you didn't just think you were my ego-pattern:
you wanted to make yourself my hell, and heaven;
you wanted to make me into someone who hasn't
ever been able to trust himself
because all's fair, in a world
that is completely incoherent,
that doesn't make sense.

Just how much did you hate me,
to put me through what you did
for eighteen long, crazy years?

Just how much did you want to make me
into a fucked up, dead, suicided Kevin Martens?

And why?
Why did you try so damn hard
to tear me apart
and leave me at the mercy of
your blank, empty heart?

No one can ever justify hate or suffering
which is why what you did
makes it all the more frustrating:

the point behind such abuse
is utterly unintelligible, and completely
mystifying.

The point behind this poem, to be frank,
is not even worth exploring.