I.
So, you tried to make me terrified that my future was not to be.
How needlessly inane. What an utter sense of banality
pervades my skin, as the country continues to be on fire
and you still continue to claim
that you deserve that level of compensation—
for what, exactly?
What exactly has the Battlestar Singapura done
to claim any kind of victory?
What exactly has been happening such that events
are actually respecting your constituent communities?
Where exactly are we going
Forward to, and when, and how, and
where will I and my community be
in this picture? Who is going to be creating
the structure?
And who is going to be left holding the thunder
if the lightning strikes again, and Spectrum and Coldstore return?
Who will be Pulau Ujong’s real, actual leader?
II.
I am just a Merlionsman.
I died on the shores of the Kingdom of Singapura, and was reborn, not because I wanted it,
but because someone said you can.
You can be reborn,
and made whole again.
Did I want it?
By that time, I was so fucking exhausted
I would have said yes to anything. Anyone who went
“You can have a destiny again, Kevin Martens.”
You can be everything we wanted.
But what about me?
Did I want to be everything everyone wanted,
or did I just want to be free to let go of everything I was haunted
by? Did I just want to be left alone,
to honestly, finally fucking say, for real,
goodbye?
Mbai. Mbai na otru banda, undi akeli jenti lembrah
bos dretu ngua krensa super mutu frai.
You left me to die.
You treated me like I was left behind
by the world.
When it was you—you alone,
who did not yet have a place
where you could heal from the hurt.
III.
A real family
owns its trauma.
A real family
talks about the drama,
and shares it freely.
Because we are not our past.
We are not our memories.
If you keep telling yourself that you are,
then of course that’s all you’ll ever be.
But if you have a problem with me talking
about what you did to my community
then I’m sorry,
but to me,
history is still repeating.