Fuad and I began as an open relationship.
This is fact. This is not a dismissal of past, and history, or an attempt to strip
away what happened. This was something we agreed on,
and something that everyone, in spite of their projections,
respected.
Even the man who had called me his best friend;
there was a very clear direction that if things between us were to get intense,
consent from Fuad would be necessitated.
And consent was indeed granted.
This is something that everyone wanted.
Everyone except one single asshole.
One single person who destroyed what we were all trying to build from within.
One single person
who decided that the rules didn’t matter to him.
Who saw that the fractures that had destroyed me in 2013
were actually healing.
Who saw that the love between me and the man above
was actually revealing
of just who he was, and who I had always been.
Even if you’re Kristang, like me,
the game needs to not just be played on a whim—
the players need to recognise, first and foremost,
that what they are doing is not sin.
If you think that our entire culture is built on us having sex that is relentless,
on creating and developing relationships that are meaningless,
you really have another thing coming. We may not be as reverent, or as deliberate
of the fucking words we say sometimes, but that doesn’t mean
we aren’t considerate. Respectful. Tolerant. And first and foremost,
not abusive.
You accused me of what you were doing to me.
You tried to replace not just Fuad,
but my sense of self—my destiny—
and my skin and how much it already loved me.
You tried to overwrite my own emotional and affective memories.
Your actions were malevolent.
So disgusted at yourself, that you thought authenticity
was a joke. A mere veneer of respectability
that the Kristang wore as a cloak, to hide
their merry, hyperabusive nature and bigotry.
Four years later,
I still wonder at why you did what you did to me,
but it doesn’t matter.
More important is what you did to yourself,
and what you will do to change your own damnable and horrific
history.