I want to know what they said
when they first claimed
that gay people cannot start a family;
that a queer brown kid from Singapore
could never be Singaporean of the Year. Could never be the Lion City's greatest ambassador.
Could never be
me.
Could never be Kristang leader.
Could never be a SingLit writer,
someone that they publish
because his writing actually has quality.
Not because of who I know.
I know nobody
like me.
I know almost nobody
willing to sit down
and talk honestly.
At least in my own country
I could never be smarter than the best, and braver than all the rest
who still don't fucking dare to speak up. Who hide and cower
because some of us need to take it all. Arrows to the head, shoulders, penis, and every single fucking knee.
At least by my own accounting
I could never be someone
who could condense it all into fifteen fucking minutes, with animations, fonts
and elisions of his sexuality in less decolonised contexts.
I could never be respected for demonstrating
pure, unadulterated logico-coherent lusotropical Western scientific
beauty.
So I went further.
Soared higher.
Refused to agree that
"I need a classroom!
I'm so sorry
that I didn't do what you asked
and commit suicide
when I had the chance!"
Your conditioning
is not fucking working.
Your conditioning betrays what you now need to ask
me to do, unapologetically and oh so shamefacedly,
"Would you please take off the Mask
of Creation? Of Time? Of Liberation?"
I look at you behind guarded eyes
and, just like you once did for me,
pray deeply and earnestly for your salvation.
Then, without any further ado,
and also, without any further warning,
I launch carefully and critically
into my own presentation.
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